Every joke I've kept

What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.

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Overall, I'd say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.

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Q: How do you sink a canadian submarine? A: You swim underneath it and knock on the door

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How many jazz musicians does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't worry about the changes, we'll fake it! Note: In jazz, the chord changes are what dictates the improvisation of the music.

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Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Televangelists screw in motels.

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Paddy comes home from the pub one night to find his wife in bed with another man. He goes to a drawer and gets a gun. He holds the gun to his head and his wife starts to laugh. Paddy says "Idon't know what you're laughing at- you're next!"

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I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

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I found this on a can of Juicey-Juice 100% Juice. Just add water.

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There was a family of gnus, and one day, Mr Gnu went out to get some food but was ambushed and eaten by a pride of lions. Next salute, a poacher shoots Mrs Gnu, leaving poor Baby Gnu to starve to death. Well, that's the end of the gnus; here's the weather . . .

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Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? A: Bacon and legs

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Q: Why is good to be French? A: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it for you.

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As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

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I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

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A man stumbles into his house after a night of drinking and is greeted by his very angry wife. "What's the big idea of coming home half drunk?" she yells. "I'm sorry, honey, but I ran out of money," he mutters.

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What does PPSH-41 stand for? It is:Perfectly and Painfully and Stubborn Hallucination for(4) one(1)

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Man 1: "Why have you painted your car red on one side and blue on the other?" Man 2: "So that if I bang into anyone, the witnesses will have a marvellous time in court contradicting each other!"

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A dog is a man's best friend because it gives no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no in-laws.

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This is a Very Long Line That...

This is a very long line that goes on and on and just when you think it is over it starts again going on and on but you know it cannot keep on forever until it starts repeating itself about being a very long line that goes on and on and just when you think it is over it starts repeating itself about not keeping going on and on forever but you know it was a very long line.

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QUESTION: Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my computer? ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

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If I travelled to the end of the rainbow, As Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me, The pot's at the other end.

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