Every joke I've kept

Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated? He was Bjorn again

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On the way to preschool with her daughter, the doctor hadleft her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl pickedit up and began playing with it."How sweet," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants tofollow in my footsteps!"Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome toMcDonald's. May I take your order?"

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Did you hear about the eyeglasses maker who moved his shop to an island off Alaska and is now known as an optical Aleutian?

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How many snobby girls does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them, they try, break a nail, and come crying home.

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A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" "That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

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Carnac the Magnificent was one of the highlights of the Johnny Carson Show. In the ongoing sketch, Carnac would draw a sealed envelope from a mayonnaise jar, and hold it to his forehead. He would then answer the question sealed inside the envelope. What is missing here is his delivery. Great sketch - and you might get lucky enough to find it on Nickoleodeon.

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There was a nearly-new television for sale the other day. It has a 42-inch plasma screen, and I bought it for $50. The only thing wrong was that there was no volume control - but at that price, I couldn't turn it down!

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How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? Through a catalogue!!

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What Do They Have in Common?

What do a walrus & tupperware have in common? They both like a "tight" SEAL!

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Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb? A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many. Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls

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One day Socrates is walking down the road and sees his old friend Uripedes carrying a pair of pants. Socrates says "Hi, Uripedes" Uripidees says "I sure did, Usodes?"

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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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Two eggs sitting on a kitchen table, when one sees a whisk. He says to his friend, "Ooh, what's that?" The friend replies, "Beats me!"

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"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." -Poor Bear

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Q: Why did the hand cross the road? A: To get to the second-hand shop!

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Why should you look out for a pig that knows karate? It might give you a pork chop!

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A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

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What does the "O" and the "N" stand for in 'CLEMSON'? The "O" is for honor, and the "N" for knowledge.

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Knock knock. Who's there? Yudare. Yudare who? You dare to disturb me,while I am sleeping?

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How many Russian leaders does it take to change a lightbulb? We don't know. Russian leaders don't last as long as lightbulbs.

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