Every joke I've kept

Why is it not good to play tennis in a court? Because you might get arrested.

— onelinefun.com

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

— onelinefun.com

My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I told him, "My door is always open".

— onelinefun.com

The sun is going to go out in 4 billion years, and you sit there and act like everything is fine.

— onelinefun.com

"Were any famous men born on your birthday?" "No, only little babies."

— onelinefun.com

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

— onelinefun.com

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

— onelinefun.com

I need to stop drinking so much milk. It's an udder disgrace.

— onelinefun.com

The older you get, the more you need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.

— onelinefun.com

Signwriters have their work cut out, don't they?

— onelinefun.com

Even if it wasn't cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

— onelinefun.com

Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a big rock.

— onelinefun.com

Slept like a log last night... Woke up in the fireplace.

— onelinefun.com

Electricity is dangerous. Shocking, ain't it?

— onelinefun.com

I've found if you say "well well well" as soon as someone sits down across from you, you immediately get the upper hand for about 2 seconds.

— onelinefun.com

I cropped my kids out of my online dating profile photos. They can find their own dates.

— onelinefun.com

What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine's Day? Let me call you Tweet heart!

— onelinefun.com

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

— onelinefun.com

Is everything expensive or I'm just poor?

— onelinefun.com

There's no "I" in "team" but there are 5 in "individual brilliance".

— onelinefun.com