A business man in Chicago had occasion to write a Japanese friend in Tokyo. Mindful of the Oriental's appreciation of flowery language and of his own duty to the cause of good public relations, he ended his letter with the wish, "May Heaven preserve you always." To the delight of the business man's office staff, the Japanese responded with, "May Heaven pickle you, too."
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Which side of the chicken has more feathers? The outside.
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The masked and armed man entered the bank. "Nobody move, or you're geography!" shouts the bandit. One of the tellers says, "Don't you mean 'history'?" "Don't change the subject!"
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Here's a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it's loud and you can't turn it down. I leave the number of the room next to me. It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell, "Why are you calling me?" Then I get up and take a shower. It's great.
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An actual headline: "Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers"
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On Halloween night a kid is standing on a bench with a fake beard, fake fangs, a tennis racket, a baseball cap, and a purple cape. A snobby man walks by and says, "What are you supposed to be?" The kid says, "Duh! I'm a kid standing on a bench wearing fake fangs, a fake beard, a baseball cap, a purple cape and holding a tennis racket! What did you think I was?"
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Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
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Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.
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Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? A: One is made of plastic and is a potential risk to children. The other carries groceries.
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Why does President Clinton invite so many ladies into his private study? He wants to show them his executive branch.
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What do you give the person who has everything? A box to keep it all in.
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Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
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Roses are red Violets are blue I'm schizophrenic And so am I!
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My son is proof that anyone can be successful enough to drive a BMW or Mercedes. And besides, he looks so cute in his valet parking attendant uniform.
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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
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Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
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Q)Where do eskimo pigs live? A)In a pigloo.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's ok, he woke up.
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Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
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Look here, waiter! How long must I wait for that half-duck I ordered? Until somebody orders the other half. We can't go out and kill half a duck.
— public joke corpus