Billy's teacher sent a note home to Mom saying, "Billy is a very bright boy, but spends much too much time thinking about girls and sex." The next day Mom sent a note back to the teacher saying, "If you happen to find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Dad."
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What type of saw cuts the sea? A see-saw.
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Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
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One day a cat was being trapped be a evil dog. The evil dog said"barkity kalis hed resaw miop gas." The cat said "has that going to break the spppeeel?" Then the dog let the cat out. The next day, the cat trapped the dog. Then it happens every day with thhe same words.
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There are these kids at school, each bragging about how they ruined something in an amount of time. 1st kid: I wore out a pair of shoes in 1 month. 2nd kid: I wore out a pair of jeans in 1 week. 3rd kid: Oh that's nothing, I wore out my babysitter in 5 minutes!
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too much to pay for corn ([a] buck an ear)
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Q: Why did George Washington sleep standing up? A: He couldn't lie.
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Q: How are lawyers like nuclear weapons?A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor doctor! I can't eat food through my mouth cause it hurts" The doc says "Try eating through your bum, it might help" A few weeks later the doctor sees the man walking down the road in a very weird way, he asks "Why are you walking like that? Are you hurt?" The man replies "No you fool! I'm chewing a toffie"
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Knock-knock! Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and answer the door!
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Q: How many elephants will fit into a Mini? A: Four: Two in the front, two in the back.
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Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
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Earlier today, I took a glimpse at the news. They were doing a report on a new recipe for twinkies. Now they will taste healthier, but still have the same amount of calories, because of course, people can taste health.
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Three blondes walk into a forest and soon find a pair of tracks.The first blonde says: "I think they're deer tracks."The second blonde says: "No, I think they're bear tracks."The third blonde says: "You're both wrong! They're bird tracks!"Then they get hit by a train.
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Why is the letter E like London? Because it is the Capital of England
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Real headline: "Air Traffic Controllers Can Apply for Job in Braille"
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How can you tell a vampire has a cold? They start coffin.
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Child: Mommy, why am I so skinny? Mommy: Don't worry about it, dear. When your father was born, he only weighed four pounds. Child: Really? Did he live?
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What is black & white an red all over? A penguin holding its breath!
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Why did the programmer always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.
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