Every joke I've kept

How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern? You use a pumpkin patch.

— public joke corpus

A wig factory was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen. Police are combing the area.

— public joke corpus

A six-year-old boy came home from playing at his friend's house and told his mother that he had broken a lamp when he threw a football. "It's all right, mum," he said, brightly; "you don't have to buy them another! Charlie's mum said it was irreplaceable!"

— public joke corpus

Little Mikey's parents were going out, and Mikey said, "For 20 bucks, Dad, I'll be good." "Oh please," said his father. "When I was your age, I was good for nothing."

— public joke corpus

What do you call an Irishman sitting in your backyard? Paddy O'Furniture

— public joke corpus

How many paranoids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? What exactly do you mean by that?

— public joke corpus

Why was the designer always cold? Because they always used too much ice-olation.

— public joke corpus

What kind of sneakers do chickens wear? Re-bok-bok-bok-bok-bok.

— public joke corpus

Q: What is the definition of a sick bird? A: Illegal

— public joke corpus

Sign at an office: Would the person who removed the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

— public joke corpus

Why didn't the skeleton go for prom? Because it had nobody.

— public joke corpus

"Operator? I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven." "I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?" "Yes. That's what it says on the label - 'Woven in Scotland'."

— public joke corpus

How come the stadium got hot after the game? Because all of the fans left.

— public joke corpus

I heard they were going to name a highway after Willie Nelson in Texas... But be Warned: When taking this highway look out for pot holes!

— public joke corpus

A special kind of firework with very bright colors and little smoke was accidentally discovered when a man tried to make the atomic bomb safer. That defeats the original purpose.

— public joke corpus

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

— public joke corpus

A tramp knocked on the door of a house. "What do you want?" said the owner. "Can you spare some money to help a poor person?" said the beggar. As soon he was given a few coins and told to go on his way, the beggar complained, "Your son gave me twice as much when I called here last week." "Well, my son can afford to," said the owner, "he has a very rich father."

— public joke corpus

Hygiene Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? Jose: Don't bite any.

— public joke corpus

What's green and goes camping?A boy sprout!

— public joke corpus

The phone rings in the maternity ward. Upon answering, the duty midwife is told by a man "Mrs Jones is about to give birth, her contractions are just 3 minutes apart!" The midwife asks "Is this her first Child?" Bemused, the man says "No, don't be daft, this is her Husband!"

— public joke corpus