Every joke I've kept

As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

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Q-If the big breasted women work at Hooters, where does the one legged woman work? A-Ihop

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The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black market. The agents will be called "Pseudo Feds."

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Who Invented the Snooze Button?

I want to kick the guy who invented the snooze button...then five minutes later, I'll kick him again. Thanks Andrew!

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If you don't like my driving, stay out of the bus shelters!

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Knock Knock! Who's there? Kanga. Kanga who? No! Kangaroo!

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Pilot: Pilot to tower. . . pilot to tower. . . I am 300 miles from land. . . 600 feet high and running out of gas. . . please instruct. . . over. Tower: Tower to pilot. . . tower to pilot. . . Repeat after me. . . "Our Father, which art in heaven. . . "

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A local psychic hotline opened up a new number especially for frogs, called "The Psychic Frog-line." A frog called, wanting to know his future. "You will meet a beautiful young girl," predicted the psychic. "This is great!" said the frog. "Where will I meet her? At a party? At the pond?" "No," replied the psychic. "Next semester in a biology class."

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If to give a man a fish, he eats for a day, but if you teach a man to fish... He has to buy a license, poles, bait, and sit on his behind for four hours.

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In Arkansas, it is illegal to say the word Arkansas incorrectly.

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How do you catch an elephant? Dig a hole, put peanuts around it, fill it with ashes and when the elephant goes to eat the peanuts, kick him in the ash hole.

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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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Did you hear the story about the cheese that saved the world? It was legend dairy.

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How does the butcher introduce his wife Meat Patty

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Waiter, this plate is wet. That's your soup, sir.

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One time, my teacher said to dump our Math books. Then she said to get your Social Studies book. Then that became history.

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What do you do on a remote island? Try and find the TV island it belongs to.

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I didn't mean to agitate the police officer. Water balloons are good fun, but he had to get all mad. Then he grabbed that metal baton thingy. That's a lot less fun than a water balloon. I even said "think fast!" He didn't say that to me when he used the baton on my face.

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There was an old man from Purdue whose limericks stopped on line two.

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3 SQL statements walk into a NoSQL bar. Soon, they walk out They couldn't find a table.

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