Every joke I've kept

These guidelines are not hard rules for submitting acceptable jokes, but they will help you submit a jokes that the most people will enjoy and rank highly, thus increasing your score.

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When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

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Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "Are you crazy? You'll never be able to outrun that bear!""I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you. "

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It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

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Fish + alien transpotation = Unidentified Frying Object

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One day, Johnny saw his dad got caught on fire. Immeaditly he went to his mom saying, "Mom, mom hurry, dad's on fire, and I brought the marshmellows!" Another day a lady came to the door asking for things for the old peoples fund. Johnny yelled from the doorway to his mom, "Hey mom, there's this person asking for the old peoples fund, shall I give them grandma?"

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What do you call something with 4 eyes, 3 noses, 7 ears, and 2 mouths? Ugly!

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Q: Why did the scientist install a door knocker on his door and not a door bell? A: He wanted to win the No-Bell (Nobel) prize!

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Which is heavier, 20 pounds of rocks or 20 pounds of sugar? Their both 20 pounds! doy!

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How many gay people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 8, one to screw it in, and seven to stand back and say "Fabulous!"

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If you're fat. can you still disapear into thin air? If you're fat, can you still have slim chances of doing something?

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What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? A northern fairy tale begins with, "Once upon a time..." A southern fairy tale begins, "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this..."

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Santa Vlause, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde were all walking down the street when they all spotted a 100$ dollar bill. Who do you think got it? No one because the first four dont exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

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Teacher: Julia, how can you say Asshole in a nicer way? Julia: As holes.

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Two blond labourers looking for work arrive at a railway station, and ask for one-way tickets. The ticket-seller looks through his schedule, but can't find the place the blonds are seeking. "But you must be able to find it," says one. "We read in the papers that there are thousands of jobs in Jeopardy!"

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"May I take your order?" the waiter asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

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One day a cat comes walking by meowing, "I can't do anything right." So he keeps on pouting and somebody comes up to him and says, "Why are you crying?" "Because I can't do anything right." So the guy helps the cat and a day later the cat could do anything right so he goes to the litter box and misses the box by an inch.

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What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Utter destruction.

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I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that there is no bad news. The bad news is that there is no good news.

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A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?" Pop,goes the weasel.

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