Every joke I've kept

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!

— public joke corpus

Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank whether it offered on-line banking. "Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the tellers. "The line starts over there."

— public joke corpus

In "The Greatest Story Ever Told", John Wayne played a centurion at the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. One of his lines was, "Truly he is the Son of God!" The director felt John W. wasn't putting enough into it, and asked him to deliver the line again, but with a little more emphasis - "to put some awe into it". "OK," says John, "Awww - truly he is the Son of God!"

— public joke corpus

The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten. "Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?" "On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.

— public joke corpus

Teacher: So class, in the medieval times, the Puritan's ears were cut off if they didn't attend Catholic services. Student: I bet they didn't like the sound of that!

— public joke corpus

How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste!

— public joke corpus

Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

— public joke corpus

A blonde went out for a walk. She came to a river and saw another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo," she shouted, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looked up the river then down the river then shouted back, "You’re already on the other side.”

— public joke corpus

One day a duck walked into a drugstore and bought some lipstick. She walked up to the clerk and said, "Put it on my bill!"

— public joke corpus

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly "No," replied Lars. "Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

— public joke corpus

I love it when you go down on me... you relieve so much tension and stress... but when you're making me feel really good, you come back up... Stupid gas prices...

— public joke corpus

Haiku are funny But sometimes they don't make sense Refrigerator

— public joke corpus

What do you call a dog in the sun? A Hot Dog!

— public joke corpus

Did you here about the giant with a nosebleed? It was all over town

— public joke corpus

Can you decipher this phrase? FORWARD Straightforward!

— public joke corpus

Again It's Another Chicken Joke Not Involving Crossing the Road

What do you call a chicken? A chicken.

— public joke corpus

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

— public joke corpus

What did the baby lightbulb say to his mother? I wuv you watts and watts!

— public joke corpus

One day a three legged dog walked into a bar. He said, "I'm looking for the guy that shot my paw."

— public joke corpus

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A: A collie-flower!

— public joke corpus