Every joke I've kept

Darn those pushy metric system advocates! Give them 2.54 cm., and they'll take 1.6093 km!

— public joke corpus

It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. - S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.

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What are Martians favorite sweets? Mars-mallows.

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Q: How do you drown a blonde?A: You put a scratch 'n sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool.

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I use to feel like I was a man trapped in a woman's body, but then I was born.

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Mom: "Why have you been sent home early, Jack?" Jack: "Because the boy next to me was smoking." Mom: "But if he was smoking, why were you sent home?" Jack: "Because I set him on fire!"

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What was the last thing that Abraham Lincoln did? He died.

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The thing you need to focus on in your 20's is not getting a bad tattoo. You don't want to be 40 and going, "No, dude, it was different back then - everybody loved SpongeBob."

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A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?" The host said, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife." "What's he stuffed with?" asked the visiting hunter, and the host said, "My wife."

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The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

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What kind of award did the dentist receive? A little plaque.

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What animal is always at a game of cricket? A bat.

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In this age of political correctness we must reajust our terms. People are no longer concidered gay, here are two better options: Good: A wanabe transvestite Best: Heterosexually challenged.

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Knock, knock. Who's there? Isabel. Isabel who? Is-a-bel ringing? I thought I heard one.

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Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about my buddy, here," the other man said proudly to the bartender, "Nobody can say he doesn't know when to stop!"-*-Q: What two, 4-letter words do men hate?A: Don't and stop... unless used together.

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How come people are willing to get up off their butts to search the whole room for the remote, because they refuse to get up and change channels manually?

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This really happened (honest!) A man was receiving death threats from another man, so he took him to court. The judge threw the case out on the basis that "the threats obviously hadn't been carried out." Really, how stupid can you get?

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I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "What do you do at a red light?" I said, "I don't know... look around, listen to the radio...

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Two cows are talking in a field, the first cow says "How about that mad cow disease?" The second cow replies "I wouldnt know I'm a helicopter."

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What's the best thing about elevator jokes? They work on so many levels.

— public joke corpus