Every joke I've kept

Sorry I didn't text you back, but my phone recognized your number.

— onelinefun.com

The difference between true love and dinosaurs: We're sure that dinosaurs once existed on this earth.

— onelinefun.com

Where does a fish go to borrow money? The loan shark!

— onelinefun.com

I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

— onelinefun.com

What do you call a frog stuck in mud? Unhoppy.

— onelinefun.com

There are so many scams on the Internet these days.... but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

— onelinefun.com

What's your best non swearing insult? I hope you step on a lego.

— onelinefun.com

Everything happens for a reason; unfortunately, sometimes the reason is you.

— onelinefun.com

What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH

— onelinefun.com

Where does a polar bear keep his money? In a snowbank!

— onelinefun.com

Life isn't about winning and losing. It's about wishing you would have won and wondering why you lost.

— onelinefun.com

What dog can jump higher than a building? Anydog, buildings can't jump!

— onelinefun.com

It's easier to remember your age if you don't change it every year.

— onelinefun.com

We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

— onelinefun.com

What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff!

— onelinefun.com

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

— onelinefun.com

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

— onelinefun.com

Fathering two daughters seemed like a good idea, but then glitter.

— onelinefun.com

I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

— onelinefun.com

Absolutely furious that a handful of things not suited to my taste are well liked by others.

— onelinefun.com