Every joke I've kept

What starts with the letter F and ends in UCK? FiretrUCK

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I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest. I was arrested for striking a happy medium.

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One woman to another woman Woman- Those firemen are hot. Other Woman- Yeah they are nice looking. Woman- No. I mean they just came out of that burning building. They're hot.

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Always on the look-out for a bargain, I was dining out and came across a menu entree "T-Bone* $4.25". I inquired of the waiter how they could sell a dinner at that price. He advised me to check the bottom of the menu. Next to the "*" was "with meat, $14.95"

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Q: What's the worst time to be a rat or a mouse? A: When it's raining cats and dogs!

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"I started a new band called The Chimes" "What kind of band?" "Acapella Ska" "What do you play?" "Drums"

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What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.

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JUDGE: "The court can produce a dozen witnesses who saw you rob the bank." ROBBER: "Big deal! I can bring in hundreds of people who didn't see it!"

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"There is only one pretty child in the world and every parent has it." - Chinese Proverb. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes. The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.

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(to be read aloud) 'Twas in a restaurant they met Romeo and Juliet But Romeo couldn't pay the bill So Romee-owed what Julie ate ("ett").

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How did the person take over the remote? He asked for remote CONTROLS!

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Why did the kid throw the watch out the window? So time would fly.

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When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."

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Did you hear about the tree that made an Ash of itself?

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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

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Always keep several "get well" cards on the mantle. That way, if unexpected guests arrive they will think you have been sick and unable to clean.

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A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes," she replied readily. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."

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Q: What's weirder than a talking dog? A: A spelling bee!

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Knock Knock Who's there Z Z who? Z taxi is leaving! I don't speak Italian or French or anything of your so-called "Special" Language!*Slams door*

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Child: Mum, can I wear those really nice jeans with the hole in the knee to church? Mother: No honey, you can't wear holy jeans to church!

— public joke corpus