man's business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but about midnight, the phone rings.The man rolls over and answered..."Hello?""What?""How the hell should I know, I live in Phoenix."He hangs up and his wife asks, "Who was it dear?""Just some idiot who wanted to know if the coast was clear!"
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The squirrel's eyes widened as he tried to move but froze when he realized........ He'd buried the wrong nuts!
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She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
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Q. What always stays hot inside a refridgerator? A. Salsa!
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The cop got out of his and walked up to the kid who was stopped for speeding. He rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
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What did the robot say to the centipede? Stop being a centipede!!!................................ its funny cause the robot doesnt have any legs
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A woman goes for her pelvic exam. While the doctor is doing the exam, he notices bikini tan lines, and she has sandals on that say "hecho en mexico" (made in mexico). So he casually asks her, "So did you enjoy your trip to Mexico?" She sits up a little and stares at him with this look of disbelief. "You can tell that just from a pelvic exam?!?!?"
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I wish my name was Gary Boone! Do you wanna know why? Because, then, my name could be goon... you see, because you take the "G" from Gary and the "oone" from Boone to get Goon! But, you know, that's not the worst nickname. The person that does have the worst nickname is my friend, Phil Hart. I can't even tell you what we call him...
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What do you get when you cross an eagle with a jeep and a dog? A flying car-pet!
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A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
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A man walks into a pet store and asks for a German shepperd. The shopkeeper, replies that it will cost him $500. The man thinks for a minute, then asks how much a beware of dog sign costs. The shopkeeper calmly replies that it costs a whopping $1.98. The man thinks for a while longer, and asks for a beware of dog sign.
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According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight. The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign. The vibration stopped immediately. A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.
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Can You Decipher This Phrase? pu Back up!
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The Secret Service has added a $1M security system to the President and Hillary's new home in suburban New York. The security system includes bullet proof windows, flood lights, and an alarm that goes off whenever Hillary's on her way home.
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This joke's so old, it has mold on it! HA HA HA!
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Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:
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Is that a mirror in your jeans? Because I can see myself in them.
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Q. What are the strongest days of the week? A. Saturday and Sunday, because all the rest are week days.
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Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them!
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A girl went to a dentist to have her teeth filled. The dentist asked, "What kind of fillings do you want? White or silver?" The girl replied, "Chocolate fillings."
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