Every joke I've kept

FOREST WARDEN: "Which of you saw this rare tree get cut down? CAMPER: "Only the chain saw."

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Knock-knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes me, who's you? (This is me, who's you.)

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A cop pulled over two drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

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Q: Why do elephants have big ears? A: Because Noddy would not pay the ransom!

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What did the statue say to the other after a break-up and make-up? I'm sorry I took you for granite. (granted) hahahaha

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How many cheerleaders does it take to screw in a light bulb? They wouldn't, they might brake a nail!

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My home town is so small, we have part-time village idiot.

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Since workaholics are people addicted to work and chocaholics are people addicted to chocolate, are catholics people addicted to cats?

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A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: "Do you know where you were going?" Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving."

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Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

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What do you get hanging from Apple trees? Sore arms.

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Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.

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Diner: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?Waiter: Look's like the backstroke sir!

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What kind of monkey eats chips? A chipmunk!

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Route 66 says to the country road: Hey, man, you straight? Country road says: Heck no, I'm a byway!

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The Perfect Breakfast: You're sitting at the table and: your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties.... your mistress is on the cover of Playboy ... and your wife is on the back of the milk carton...

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Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A-flat minor.

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During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?""I could tell you, sir," the magician answered, "but then I'd have to kill you."After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife!"

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What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

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I went into a restaurant that served 'breakfast at any time'. So, I asked for French Toast in the time of the Renaissance

— public joke corpus