Every joke I've kept

Want to hear a joke about construction? Nah, I'm still working on it.

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What's In Store For You?

Wal-mart is planning on opening fifty new stores in areas that are blighted. Ironically, the official definition of blighted is what happens to an area when Wal-mart opens a store nearby.

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Normal people believe that "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Engineers believe that "If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"

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Relish today, ketchup tomorrow! A hamburger walks into the bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here." I wanted to be a mime, but I talked myself out of it. Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

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The wife ran into the house, screaming to her actor husband, "Darling, come quick. Your kids and my kids are beating up on our kids!"

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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

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"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade." "Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?" "Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor."

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A twelve-year-old boy received a journal as a birthday gift. He looked at it carefully, but was mystified. "Mom, what's the deal with this book? All the pages are blank," he asked. "That's called a journal," she explained. "You write down interesting stuff that happens to you." His face brightened as he caught her drift. "So it's kinda like a blog, only on paper?"

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Teacher: Jimmy, use the word "handsome" in a sentence. Jimmy: Handsome gum over will ya? Teacher: No, no, that's not right. You have one more chance. Use the word "gladiator" in a sentence. Jimmy: A monster ate my sister and I'm gladiator.

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How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task? A finite number: one to perform the task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question.

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A boy asked to his girl friends: What does a gay cow eat? all of his friends failed to answer. Then he stood up, and with a gay-est falsetto voice he said: Haaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!!!

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Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.

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Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: Well, we accidentally amputated the wrong leg. Patient: What's the good news?Doctor: It turns out that your other leg didn't need to be amputated at all.

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An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

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Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a Labrador dog. "Oh, I wouldn't if I were you!", says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

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One day in the 1800's a father asked his child to go get some nuts and berries. She went around and got nuts and berries from every boy she knew. When she showed her dad he said, "That's not what I meant!"

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Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.

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In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.

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Sign at an office kitchen: After the tea break, the staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the drain-board.

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Why don't elephants smoke? Their butts don't fit in the ash tray

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