Every joke I've kept

Can you decipher this phrase? ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ 2 Mistletoe! (Miss L two.)

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Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can ho ho ho.

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Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. It's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark. Don't worry about me...

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Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.

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Lipstick; (noun) On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear!

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What do you call cheese by itself? Provolone.

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If the opposite of pro is con, isn't the opposite of progress, congress?

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My doctor says I have insomnia, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

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Q: What is big and grey and comes in quarts? A: An elephant.

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DOCTOR: "Do you smoke or drink?" PATIENT: "I didn't know I had a choice."

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Question: If the world was a jacket where would the people from the ghetto go? Answer:In da Hood!

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"Your late teeing off, Fred." "Yup, well being Sunday I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church, or to play golf" "But why are you so late?" "I had to toss for it fifteen times!"

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JCPenny blowdryer: do not use while sleeping ********** caution: hot chocolate may be hot **********

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Why can't Osama sleep with any of his 5 wives? Because all he sees is bush.

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Teacher: "Simon! What does it mean if the barometer falls?" Simon: "Err.. The nail's come out of the wall, miss?"

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"Doctor doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!" "I'll deal with you later!"

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That sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes when you're sad, no one understands your pain. Sometimes when you're happy, no one sees your smile. But you just have to fart once, and EVERYBODY knows.

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There once was a bus staion named Ureliar (You-Really- Are), a man went to the station and waited for his train, he waited and a man came up to him and said,"Hey,my name is Emabuthed (I'm-A-Butt-Head), what's the name of the station?" "Ureliar?" replied the man.

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I've been following the ongoing Evolution vs Intelligent Design controversy, and as a card-carrying botanist, I'm a very strong supporter of Darwin. But still, there are things in life that rational science simply cannot explain. Like Paris Hilton...

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Life isn't fair. I went to my boss with a note from my doctor stating that I have multiple personalities. Now I do three different jobs and still only get one paycheck!!.

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