Every joke I've kept

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

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Can you decipher this phrase? MTGG A hungry horse! MT (empty) GG (gee gee = horse).

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A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you." The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?" The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."

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The Russians were called "Reds," a long while ago. So a war general named Rudolf walks into a bakery. The baker starts talking about owning a reindeer. He starts asking questions about it to the general. When the baker gets home, he tells his wife, "Rudolf the Red knows reindeer!"

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Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

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Q: How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out

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Knock knock? Who's there? Howie. Howie who? Howie gonna figure this out?

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I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. Sam Goldwyn.

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Music student: We played the beatles last night! Gym student:who won?

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Q: How do you shoot a purple elephant? A: Paint him red, hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

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What do you call 2 lesbians in a cupboard? A: A liquor cabinet!

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What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in front of a door? Matt What do you call a guy with no arms or legs swimming? Bob What do you call a guy with no arms or legs water skiing? Skip

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Knock knock. Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No, cows go moo.

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Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long

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A girl was throwing stones at a cow. Her father came & scolded her for throwing the stones at the cow & then told to her that cows are like mothers to them & should be respected. Next day guests come to their to their house & asked for her father. She said "Father is pressing breast of mother".

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Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.

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Teacher: Joey, your behavior is terrible! How many more times am I going to have to keep you in after school? Joey: 97. Teacher: 97? Joey: Yeah. That's how many days are left until the summer holidays.

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Teacher: Whats usually used as the conductor of electricity? Orville: Why-er.... Teacher: Correct, wire. Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power? Orville: The what? Teacher: That's absolutely right, the watt.

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Q. What's worse than raining cats and dogs? A. Hailing taxicabs!

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Knock Knock Who's there? Boo Boo who? I don't know, but stop your crying!

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