Every joke I've kept

I might drive you crazy, but at least I'll take the scenic route.

— onelinefun.com

Where did the spaghetti and the sauce go dancing? The meatball!

— onelinefun.com

What kind of cookies make you rich? Fortune cookies!

— onelinefun.com

A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

— onelinefun.com

What did the painter say to her boyfriend? "I love you with all my art!"

— onelinefun.com

If it ain't broke, I haven't borrowed it yet.

— onelinefun.com

If you get in the mood to do some work, someone will always wake you up.

— onelinefun.com

Tomorrow is a big day for me at work. They are refilling the snack vending machine.

— onelinefun.com

What do you call a turkey that's got no feathers? Thanksgiving dinner.

— onelinefun.com

Laziness is when a person doesn't fake that he's working.

— onelinefun.com

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

— onelinefun.com

My mum bought me a book on procrastination at the start of high school. I haven't opened it yet.

— onelinefun.com

I work out almost every day. Friday I almost worked out, Saturday I almost worked out, Sunday I almost worked out...

— onelinefun.com

I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

— onelinefun.com

Ok, what's the latest possible date that I can still make something of my life?

— onelinefun.com

I would hug you, but I would rather wait until I'm covered in syrup. And until you have nicer clothes on. -Toddlers

— onelinefun.com

What did the paper clip say to the magnet? I find you very attractive.

— onelinefun.com

Teacher: "Where was the Constitution of India signed?" Student: "At the bottom of the page!"

— onelinefun.com

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn't at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

— onelinefun.com

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

— onelinefun.com