Every joke I've kept

Why did the programmer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays.

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Mike, a 3-year-old, proudly walked into the kitchen of his house carrying a caterpillar. However, his mother was disgusted and wanted Mike to take it outside. "Mike, his mother is probably looking for him. Why don't you take him outside?" said the mother. Three minutes later, Mike was back. "Look mommy!" he said, showing his mother two caterpillars. "I got his mommy too!"

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Helen Waite is our credit manager. If you want credit, go to Helen Waite.

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How can you tell that the Stasi has bugged your apartment? There's a new cabinet in it.

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Ah...all the good things we get out of electricity: the T.V., computer, coffee machine, lights, and much more. What happens when the electricity goes out? You stop complaining that you can't watch T.V. or send an E-mail, and go buy battery-powered things!

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Why did the chicken pox cross the road? He was afraid if he stayed he would be spotted.

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What goes 99-clump, 99-clump, 99-clump? A centipede with a wooden leg.

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Throughout the centuries, mothers have been given their children plenty of good advice and notable quotes. Here's just a small sampling:

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"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other." "Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher. "But you only have two ears." "You see, sir? I'm no good at math, either."

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Q. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar bills? A. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills.

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Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Depends on what you want to change it into.

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Q: How many strongmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.

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Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

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What's a bunny's favorite type of dance? Hip Hop!

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"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?" Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right." "That's okay," replied Little Johnny "You could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"

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How do you catch a unique rabbit? You nique up on it! How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way!

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Did you hear about the magic car? It turned into a driveway!

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How do you know if a dummy has been sending e-mail? You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

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What do you say to Mexican with a high salary? Can I have ketchup on those fries?

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SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

— public joke corpus