Every joke I've kept

If you copy from your textbooks, it's making good use of what you've learnt. If you copy from anywhere else, it's plagiarism.

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What do you call a Canadian fire? A Calgary Flame.

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What's the difference between a teacher and a train? A train goes "chew, chew, chew," and a teacher says, "Spit that gum out!"

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What's the hardest thing about rollerblading? Telling your parents that you are gay.

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Vacation begins when dad says. "I know a shortcut"!

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Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.

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"Some plants," said the teacher, "have the prefix "dog. For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'." "I can," shouted a little redhead from the back row, "Collieflower!"

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The lady golfer was a determined, if not very proficient player. At each swipe she made at the ball, earth flew in all directions. "Gracious me," she exclaimed red-faced to her caddie, "the worms will think there's an earthquake." "I don't know," replied the caddie, "the worms round here are very clever. I'll bet most of them are hiding underneath the ball for safety."

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Little Johnny's mother took him to a supermarket to buy some food. "Anything you break comes out of your allowance money!" shouted Johnny's mother. Johnny turned around and said "But you don't give me any allowance money!" "Yes, and now you know why."

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Long ago I gave my kid an iPod. Last year he talked me into buying him an iPhone. This year he said he needed an iPad. I asked what the i- means and he said that's the way Apple name their products. Now he's asking for an i7 laptop. My goodness, Apple have made so many things they've now run out of names!

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Where’s the bin? I haven’t been anywhere!

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Why do C# and Java developers keep breaking their keyboards? Because they use a strongly typed language.

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There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy. "Can I touch it?" "No way -- you already broke yours off!"

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A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"."Sure do," replied the bartender."Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

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Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? To keep his nuts warm!

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A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.""Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to yourother ear?""The jerk called back!"

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The first TV remote control, introduced in 1950, was called Lazy Bones. Lemon sharks can give birth to about 36 babies at one time. The top of the Empire State Building was originally built as a place to anchor blimps. The area code in Cape Canaveral, Fl, is 321.

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Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...

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For all of you who say I need anger management... Just to let you know, if I could control my anger, I'd destroy you with it!

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Where Did You Get that Thing?

A huge black man entered in a bar with a huge and colorful parrot on his shoulder. The bartender was amazed, so he asked "Where did you get that thing?" Then the parrot said, "Well they're walking all over Africa..."

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