Every joke I've kept

What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe? Answer: Roberto.

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It's impossible to be a participant in the march of time and not get a few blisters.

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When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool he dosent get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris'd. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a horse. It's decendants are know as giraffes. Chuck Norris doesn't need oxygen, oxygen needs Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn't pay off debt, debt pays off Chuck Norris.

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Why did the tent agree to stand up all night? He was roped into it!

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It's pretty bad if you start typing "lol" as if it were a sentence (Lol.) Its worse if you start saying, "laugh out loud" in everday conversations. It's absolutely horrible if you actually say, "l-o-l."

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I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. "I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."

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How do you sink a polish ship??? Put it in water

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The policeman stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name. "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Columbia," she said. The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well, OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

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Knock-Knock Who's There Hatch Hatch Who? God Bless You.

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Girl 1: "This morning my dad gave me soap-flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast!" Girl 2: "I bet you were angry with him!" Girl 1: "Angry?! I was foaming at the mouth!"

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Joe: Do you know the difference between a chicken and lettuce? Jill: No. Joe: Remind me not to send you to the supermarket!

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Please answer yes or no to this question. Is your answer "no"? Hint: This is under trick, remember. Answer: Yes or no.

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An Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub.Each orderd a pint of beer . Then a fly landed in each one's beer . The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one .The Scott took the fly out ,shrugged, and drank his beer . The Irisman pinched the flybetween his fingers and yelled " SPIT IT OUT! "SPIT IT OUT!"

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People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah? When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death?"

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I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter. - Tommy Cooper

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Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test. Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

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A man said to his golfing friend, "I hit two of my best balls yesterday!" "Oh yeah?" "Yeah, I stepped on a rake in the bunker."

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Can you decipher this phrase? ONALLE All in one!

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Mary had a little lamb, And a little pony too, She put the pony in a field, And the lamb into a stew!!

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Whats the difference between a good egg and a good fart? You can't beat a good fart!

— public joke corpus