A man comes to dinner at a new friend's house. While they eat, the new friend's small son keeps staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says, "Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?" The kid says, "Daddy told me you were a self-made man." "I am." "Well, why did you make yourself like that?"
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Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
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Two detectives were investigating a scene, The victims had their hands and head cut off. "It's going to be a nightmare identifying the bodies, with no finger prints or faces" said one. The other replied, "I thought it would be rather easy, how many people do you know walking around with no head or hands?"
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Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
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A young boy asks his dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there is also my son; that's confidential!"
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One day Jim, a duck, was swimming in a pond when he came up to another duck and asked "What are doing?" "Blowing bubbles," she replied. Jim met 3 more ducks and they all said the same thing. When Jim came up to a 5th duck he said "Let me guess, you're blowing bubbles?" "No," said the duck, "I am Bubbles!"
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And out of the night came the terrible scream, "Who put the sand in the Vaseline!?"
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Have you ever seen Moth Balls? You have!!! How did you get their teeny, tiny and poor little legs apart? Ya fiend!
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Q. What do cows do for fun? A. They go to MOO-vies!
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A drunk phones the police. He yells, "Come quick! Thieves have stolen my dashboard, steering wheel, brake and gas pedal, and my dang radio!! MY RADIO!!" The police are just about to send out an officer when the drunk phones back. He says very calmly, "Sorry officers. It turns out I just got in my backseat."
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There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
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When you marry, your spouse's family become "in-laws." So, when you divorce, does that make them "outlaws?"
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Teacher: I hope I didn't see you copying the test from your friend. Student: I hope you didn't either
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Knock-Knock. Who's there? Yoo who? No thanks.
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The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in modern business and government, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:
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Roses are red, Roses are yellow; Grandfather's teeth Are lost in the Jello.
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did you know the first French fries weren't cooked in France? they were cooked in Greece
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Bob: I'm going to go ride my spaceship. Jack: What's a spaceship? Bob: Dunno, I'll go invent it.
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Any time four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
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Q:How many egotists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A:Just one. He holds up the lightbulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
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