Every joke I've kept

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body that is required on it.

— public joke corpus

How Can One Person Make So Many Mistakes...

Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many mistakes in one day? Alfred: I get up early.

— public joke corpus

Haven't I seen you on TV? Well yes I do appear off and on, how do you like me? Off.

— public joke corpus

Is your dad a baker? Because those buns are lookin' good! I lost my phone number, can I have yours?

— public joke corpus

"Live in a way such that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." -- Will Rogers, Humorist

— public joke corpus

Ok Umm Uhh, Ahhh! Oh well, I just forgot what I was gonna say. Man I'm stupid

— public joke corpus

Sign outside a watch-maker's shop; Watch batteries fitted.

— public joke corpus

My dad has always told me that putting in a little effort and dedication on the job never hurt anyone. Then again, he never heard of worker's comp.

— public joke corpus

So there's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following sign: "This parking space belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad."

— public joke corpus

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?" 'Yeah,' the man answered, 'I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life.' 'But you look like Abe Lincoln.' protested the barkeep. 'That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago.'

— public joke corpus

Sometimes people with a lot of cents have little sense.

— public joke corpus

Six-year-old Jerry came downstairs bellowing lustily. "What's the matter?" asked his mother. "Papa was hanging pictures, and he just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Jerry. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "A big man like you shouldn't cry at a trifle like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did," sobbed Jerry.

— public joke corpus

I was attending church as a visitor several weeks ago and heard the following:"I have good news, and I have bad news.First, the bad news: we need a new roof.Next, the good news: we have the money to pay for it!(waits for pleased murmurs to recede)Next, more bad news: the money is still in your pockets."

— public joke corpus

Q. How do you keep an idiot busy? A. Tell him that the ground is going to fall on him if he doesn't get off it.

— public joke corpus

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

— public joke corpus

Aron: Throw all of your fish in the air. Jake: Why? Aron: So I can tell my mom I honestly caught them.

— public joke corpus

Q: How many management information services guys does it take to change a light bulb? A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to the light bulb issue.

— public joke corpus

Why was Cinderalla thrown out of the football team? Because she ran away from the ball.

— public joke corpus

How many Penecostals does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Five - one to screw in the lightbulb and four to pray against the power of darkness!

— public joke corpus

Why did Tom throw butter outside the window? Because he wanted to see the butter-fly.

— public joke corpus