Every joke I've kept

An escalator can never break — it can only become stairs.

— onelinefun.com

A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.

— onelinefun.com

What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.

— onelinefun.com

I'll clean my house when the last kid has moved out.

— onelinefun.com

I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks.

— onelinefun.com

Where do sharks go on summer vacation? Finland!

— onelinefun.com

How do we know the earth isn't flat? If it were flat, cats would have already pushed everything off of it.

— onelinefun.com

That awkward moment when your child looks to you for wisdom and you're like, "Honey, I don't even know what day of the week it is."

— onelinefun.com

Believe it or not, but when you're living alone a clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

— onelinefun.com

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

— onelinefun.com

Why is a tennis game a noisy game? Because each player raises a racket.

— onelinefun.com

The problem with being in the center of attention is that half of it is always behind your back.

— onelinefun.com

What did the lacrosse stick say to the ball? "Catch ya later!"

— onelinefun.com

Sorry I'm late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.

— onelinefun.com

I'm looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.

— onelinefun.com

I don't care how funny you are, if I don't like you, I won't laugh.

— onelinefun.com

Do you need space? Join NASA!

— onelinefun.com

What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day? To remind single people they are single.

— onelinefun.com

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

— onelinefun.com

What is an alien's favorite candy? A Mars bar!

— onelinefun.com