Every joke I've kept

Q: What's the difference between Elvis and Osama Bin Laden? A: Osama is a dead man!

— public joke corpus

Did you hear about the new dictionary for masochists? It has all the words, but they're not in alphabetical order.

— public joke corpus

A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read, "I am perfectly well." A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel - collect - on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message, "This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."

— public joke corpus

Fellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and stikes up a conversation with the landlord.Fellow: I shouldn't drink this with what I've Got!Landlord: Why what have you got?Fellow: Fifty Pence!

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Knock knock? Who's there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald(I swallowed) my gum!

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What is the definition of wicker box? It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

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Person A: Why did the chicken cross the road? Person B: Is this a trick question?

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A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence. The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom." "How do you know?" "She didn't say anything."

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Q: How do you help a starving cannibal? A: Give him a hand!

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and some peanut butter? A: Either an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth, or peanut butter that never forgets.

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The other day, I bought a packet of air. I was surprised to find a few potato chips inside it. -Dedicated to Lays

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When I saw that item, I said to my wife, "I don't think spaghetti grows on trees", so we'd looked it up in Encyclopædia Britannica. Do you know, Miall, Encyclopædia Britannica doesn't even mention spaghetti.

— public joke corpus

I once heard a cretin tell his friend that all cretins are liars! Did he lie though?

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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two- One to screw in the idea, and one to give it a suprising twist at the end.

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If you are inventing something, the best way for it to work is to give it a job.

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A man walks out of a bar totally hammered...

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him. "You, sir, are drunk!" "And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

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Where do fish keep their money? In a riverbank!

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How do you comfort a designer? You give them some space... between the elements.

— public joke corpus

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. "Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."

— public joke corpus