Every joke I've kept

Why did the big knot give the little knot a time-out? It was being knotty!

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I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She asked, "Do I click the square?" I said yes. She then asked me, "Single click or double click?"

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A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you." "I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone..."

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How do you check if a webpage is HTML5? Try it out on Internet Explorer

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I don't believe in reincarnation, which is strange, because in a previous existence, I did.

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A grocery store cashier asked if I would like my milk in a bag. I told her 'No, thanks. The carton works fine.'

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A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?" "Somebody else's pants." the boy replied.

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My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why. I had to draw my own conclusions.

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How many seconds are in a year? 12. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc

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Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini? A: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.

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Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital? The hip Doctor!

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"Is that right, that you Dubliners always answer a question with another question?" "Now, who would be telling you that?"

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Shakespeare walks into a bar and the bartender shouts at him, "You can't come in here, you're Bard!"

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A man noted for his tact was awakened one morning at four o'clock by his ringing telephone. "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an irate voice. The man thanked his caller and politely asked his name before hanging up. The next morning at four o'clock, he called his neighbour back. "Sir," he said, "I don't have a dog."

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How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

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What is it called when an insect kills themself? Pesticide!

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What is the speed of dark?

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One time I went school shopping... AND BOUGHT THREE SCHOOLS!!!

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I gave up Thai boxing because I felt the Thais were getting fed up being put in boxes.

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Who eats cereal and plays golf? Tony the Tiger Woods.

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