Every joke I've kept

There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

— public joke corpus

Cathy was looking through the window of a clothes store when she spotted a pair of short-shorts. "Wow, these pants are half off!" she told her uncle. Her uncle said "They should be, they are only a half pair of pants."

— public joke corpus

"As you can see, class," said the medical school professor pointing to an X-ray, "this patient limps because his left fibia and tibula are both radically arched. Johnson…what would you do in this case?""Well, ma'am," said the student, "I suppose I'd limp, too. "

— public joke corpus

Q: How many a-holes does it take to change a light bulb? A: None; a-holes never see the light anyway.

— public joke corpus

Famous last words: "Ok, I'm only going to have one..." -- Said the polygamist right after marrying his first wife.

— public joke corpus

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

— public joke corpus

Have you heard about the amazing new discovery? It's a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people who suffer from splitting headaches.

— public joke corpus

A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang. "Who is it?""Blind man," came the response. Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, "Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?"

— public joke corpus

Knock knock. Who's there? Opportunity. That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!

— public joke corpus

Why do mathematicians always confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec.

— public joke corpus

What do you call an eagle who can play the piano? Talonted!

— public joke corpus

Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.

— public joke corpus

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."

— public joke corpus

I'm Telling You . . . .

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

— public joke corpus

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."

— public joke corpus

What do Gorillas Sleep on in fruit orchards? Apricots.

— public joke corpus

A man went to the hospital with a sprained ankle. The doctor said, "Don't worry, you'll be walking in no time." He was. The doctor stole his car.

— public joke corpus

Cop to boy: Which of the two fighting in the street is your father? Boy: I don't know. That's what they're fighting about!

— public joke corpus

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her U.S. Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

— public joke corpus

Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

— public joke corpus