Every joke I've kept

Why can't you use "Beef stew"as a password? Because it's not stroganoff.

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I'm so bad my imaginary friend left me.

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Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

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Proposed slogans for Holyfield-Tyson III10. The third Gogh around9. Dahmer vs. Psalmer8. The last supper7. Ear-reconcilable differences6. Grazing Bull5. You wanna piece of me?4. Blood, Sweat and Ears3. Lobe's labor lost2. Bite of the century1. Why? Because I lobe it

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Humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.

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Patient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people." Doctor: "Tell me about your problem." Patient: "I just did, you moron!"

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When I was growing up I never bothered to learn French. So I tried very hard to avoid French in general, since I didn't know any of it. It was very hard to avoid... ...since my family spoke french...

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The teacher told one kid, "You're going to flunk this subject because you haven't finished your homework assignments." The kid said, "Good. I flunked all the other ones because I'm stupid."

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The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

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Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The invisible hand does it. A: None. "There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the light bulb lighting up again." A: None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter !!!

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Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir. Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

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Q: What do you call a non-churchgoer? A: A Seventh-Day Absentist

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Why did the chicken go across the field? Because the referee shouted "FOWL"!

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Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

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Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,331:

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Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back!

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Wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in a mud puddle.

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Doctor doctor! I keep thinking I'm invisible! WHO SAID THAT?!?!?

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When ice skating, never judge a brook by its cover.

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I couldn't fix your brakes, so instead I made your horn louder.

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