Every joke I've kept

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

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Boy: Is your dad a baker? Girl: No. Why? Boy: Cause you're a cutie pie!!

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A man walks into a doctor's office. He says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me! My elbow keeps coming untied. . . my belly button is out of order. . . I can't open my chest. . . I'm losing the leaves in my palm. . . somebody threw my waist in the trash. . . and my foot is only eleven inches!"

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What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangs-giving!

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A minister had just finished an excellent fried chicken dinner at the home of a congregation member when he saw a rooster come strutting through the yard. "That's certainly a proud-looking rooster," the minister commented. "Yes, sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud-- one of his sons just entered the ministry."

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What do you call a cow on a trampoline? A milk shake!

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Grocery List; (noun) A piece of paper you spend half an hour writing, and then forget to take with you to the store.

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A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy." His friend replies, "How's that?" "It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."

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When a girl needs advice, why can't her brother help her? Because he can't be a brother and assist her too. (And a sister too!)

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If I'm canoeing up a tree, how many cupcakes does it take to get to the moon? None, since vests don't have sleeves.

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Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

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Why is the word abbreviation so long?

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If at first you don't succeed ... avoid skydiving.

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Once there was a guy who didn't know which train station would take him to L.A. So, he asked a guy nearby,"What train takes me to L.A? The left, or right train?" The answer was, "If you go to the right one, you'll be left and if you go to the left one, you'll be right."

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Why did the developer go to therapy? They had too many unresolved issues.

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Kid 1: You did it again! Kid 2: What? What did I do? Kid 1: You know, that thing. Kid 2: What thing? Kid 1: That thing when your lips move and sound comes out.

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A budding actor: "Dad guess what? I've got my first part in a , I play the part of a man who has been maried for 25 years." Father: "That's a good start son, just keep at it and one of these days you'll get a speaking part."

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What is the worst thing that can happen to a leper? An epileptic fit.

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First click the Community button. Then click the Public Fourum button. The first forum is for writing jokes. Discuss how to write funny jokes here.

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Knock knock. Who's there? He. He who? He who must not be named, so don't say it!

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