Every joke I've kept

CAT 1- So how'd that milk drinking contest go? CAT 2- Oh, I won by six laps.

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Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans

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If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?

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An elderly couple was attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do? He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

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Patient:"Doctor,my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages." Psychiatrist: "Rubbish! I like sausages too." Patient: Good,you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds."

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How many Wocka users does it take to change a lightbulb? A: All of 'em. One to hold the lightbulb and the rest to argue if this is funny or not.

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What disasters would happen if a waiter dropped a plate of turkey? The downfall of Greece, the overthrow of Turkey and the break up of China

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A A A A K = biggest 4 of a kind.

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The government has recently issued a statement saying that 18.9 percent of all statistics are false.

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Like I said before, I never repeat myself.

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A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender, not wanting to serve a mushroom, says "Uh uh, I'm not serving no mushroom." "Aw, come on - I'm a fungi!" the mushroom replies.

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How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its tit a lot!

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If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.

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Johnny: "Dad, stop drinking my root beer!!! Do I get free refills?" Dad: "Sure -- I backwashed!"

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"I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor.""Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?""Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over."

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Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!!!

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A guy walks into a bar wearing a pair of jumper cables around his neck. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey buddy, don't try to start anything..."

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A man walks into a shop and says, "I see you don't have any fish", and the shop assistant replies, "You got it wrong - ours is a butcher: we don't have any meat. They don't have any fish in the fish shop that is across the road!"

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Three men were at a business convention where they were discussing cars. One man said, "I am an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn." Another man says, "I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort." The last man speaks up saying, "Well, I beat both of you - I am a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe!"

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It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

— public joke corpus