How is a computer like an air conditioner? When you open Windows it won't work!
— public joke corpus
Every joke I've kept
Surf instead →allone-liners 4222misc 1013animal 458classic 417general 345puns 264children 219at-work 211light-bulbs 191sports 153food 126programming 121money 100knock-knock 91medical 76science 55math 48bar 41music 41tech 40college 26family-parents 18men 18blonde-jokes 15computers 10crazy-jokes 9heaven-and-hell 9business 7deep-thoughts 7military 6one-liner 6women 6holidays 5police-jokes 5bar-jokes 3food-jokes 3idiots 3blind-jokes 2dad 2ethnic-jokes 2farmers 2ocean 2office-jokes 2old-age 2school 2state-jokes 1
I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work." I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.
— public joke corpus
What do you call a flying skunk? A smell-icopter
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Let's see if I understand the state of personal responsibility in the America of the 1990s.
— public joke corpus
It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins. Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.
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Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
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Where did the API go to eat? To the RESTaurant.
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What did the cop say to the bad popcicle? Freeze!
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Knock-Knock Who's there? life life who? A life is what you need to get!
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Knock-Knock Who's there? Me DUHH!!
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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
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Why did the programmer bring a broom to work? To clean up all the bugs.
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Professionals built the Titanic. An amateur built the ark.
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Why is Michael Jackson dating twenty-eight year olds? The answer is: Because there's twenty of them! (twenty eight year olds....)
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After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
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My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking a 30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswind. At the tollbooth, I asked the attendant, "What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?" The tollbooth attendant didn't miss a beat. She answered, "We take the rocks out of our pockets."
— public joke corpus
Two Arab fathers are showing each other their family photos. One shows the other a picture and says "This is my oldest, he is a martyr. This is my second oldest, he is also a martyr." The other Arab father just sighs and says "Ahh, they blow up so quickly these days!"
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Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
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Q: What do you call a sheep that does karate? A: A lamb chop
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There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
— public joke corpus