Every joke I've kept

Doing yoga got me out of the habit of biting my fingernails. Now I bite my toenails.

— onelinefun.com

Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey - he's always stuffed!

— onelinefun.com

Tried watching The Neverending Story, couldn't finish it.

— onelinefun.com

Went to quite a few stores to find the best prices for herbs... I think it was thyme well spent.

— onelinefun.com

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

— onelinefun.com

Q: what did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack? A: "I need to axe you a question."

— onelinefun.com

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don't show up.

— onelinefun.com

Your way sounds super safe and rational. Let's do it my way.

— onelinefun.com

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

— onelinefun.com

What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!

— onelinefun.com

I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.

— onelinefun.com

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

— onelinefun.com

Should I have another baby after 35? No, 35 children are enough.

— onelinefun.com

I've never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

— onelinefun.com

I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.

— onelinefun.com

My boyfriend said he didn't have a date that same day I caught him eating one.

— onelinefun.com

What's a horse's favorite sport? Stable Tennis.

— onelinefun.com

According to my kids' Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

— onelinefun.com

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

— onelinefun.com

How do I stay humble? Well, it's not easy, but I start by being generally bad at almost all things.

— onelinefun.com