Every joke I've kept

How do you keep a Michigan State Player out of your yard? Set up a goal post.

— public joke corpus

A Scottish highlander is asked what his three wishes would be. He first wishes for a lake full of whisky. His second wish is for a similar quantity of good food. When asked for his third wish, after a moment of indecision, he asks for a second lake full of whisky.[2]

— public joke corpus

Q: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a sheep? A: A sweater with pockets

— public joke corpus

I was walking down the road and saw a sign which read, "SIDEWALK AHEAD CLOSED. PLEASE USE OTHER SIDE OF ROAD". Oooh, it made me cross!

— public joke corpus

Teacher: If you found five pence in one pocket and ten pence in the other,what would you have? Willy: Somebody else's trousers.

— public joke corpus

Can You Decipher This Phrase? DEINPTH VESTINIGATION In depth investigation!

— public joke corpus

Billymac: "Those there are award winnin' cows." BubbaJr.: "What'd they do?" Billymac: "They're outstandin' in their field"

— public joke corpus

My goal is to find a soulmate. It's not cheating, just multi-tasking.

— public joke corpus

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli? Kids don't eat broccoli.

— public joke corpus

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells!

— public joke corpus

Girl: Did you kiss me when the lights were out?Boy: No…Girl: It must have been that other boy in the corner. Boy, starting to get up: I'll teach him a thing or two!Girl: You couldn't teach him a thing!

— public joke corpus

Why shouldn't you take a Pokemon in the shower with you? Answer: Because it'll Pikachu! (peek at you...)

— public joke corpus

"Look at the speed of that plane!" said one hawk to another, as a jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads. "Hmph!" snorted the other, "You too would fly fast if your tail was on fire!"

— public joke corpus

Ways To Annnoy Your Roommate Become a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks." Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

— public joke corpus

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches have dropped dead from old age.In the monkey cage he discovers two of the oldest chimps have also kicked the bucket.Waste not want not so he puts them in a sack with the finches and later tips them in the lion's cage at feeding time."Bloody hell," roars the lion. "Not finch and chimps again."

— public joke corpus

Knock Knock! Who's there? A chu. A chu who? Bless you!

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If the entire world was a stage and God was the director, what we need is a rehearsal.

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Can February march? No, but April may.

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Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing? Just in case you get a hole in one.

— public joke corpus

Recently, Today Tonight have held a survey. The results indicate that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.

— public joke corpus