Every joke I've kept

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.

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There were 3 tomatoes. A momma tomato, a papa tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato started to fall behind and the papa tomato called over to him and said, "Ketchup!"

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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

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A Chinese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller, "Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today Iget a Hunat eighty?" The teller says - "Fluctuations!" The Chinese guy says "Fluc you white guys too"

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When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. Editor's note: Mean can mean both not nice but another definition is average.

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A man was seen walking through downtown with a desk strapped to his back, a typewriter under one arm, and a wastebasket under the other. He was stopped by a policeman, asked what he was doing, and arrested when he replied, . . . "Impersonating an office, sir!"

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Why did the blonde jumped off the bridge? Because she thought her maxi had wings!

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A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude, because it taught him how much his wife loved him.She was so thrilled to have him around, that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!"

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Q. How do you say "Give me liberty or give me death!" in French? A. I give up.

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Whats a Joke Subscription?

Not to be confused with the Daily Joke Newsletter, a subscription to a joke means that it will appear on your "View Subscriptions" page. This allows you to keep up-to-date on the conversation/comments of your favorite jokes. To subscribe, click the checkbox at the bottom of the comment box on the joke page. You can always unsubscribe at any time.

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My friend Doug pointed up at a bird circling overhead and said, "Look, it's an eagle!" "That doesn't look like an eagle," I said. "Well of course not," he shot back amazingly quickly. "It's travelling incognito. Haven't you ever heard that "Eagles are Masters of De Skys?"

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I went to get some paper from the stationery store, but it had moved.

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What's the object-oriented way to become wealthy? Inheritance

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As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

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Lady: How do I spread love in this cruel world? Random Dude: [...💘]

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I couldn't get a reservation at the library... They were fully booked.

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Today I picked up my mother-in-law at the airport. She's getting a little up there. She's at the age where she doesn't remember things too well. So when I saw her I said, "Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!"

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Q. How many ADD kids does it take to change a light bulb? A. Hey, let's go ride bikes!

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I use to eat natural foods, but then I found out that 65% of all people die of natural causes.

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What is another word for Thesaurus?

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