Every joke I've kept

Q: What's a Polar Bear's favorite cereal? A: Ice Krispies

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An old guy goes to the doctor and gets some tests done. The doctor comes back from checking the results and says, "I have some bad news. You have cancer and you have Alzheimer's." The old man replies "Oh thank god I don't have cancer!"

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What do you call the best fishermen in the state? Master Baiters

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How are women and a tornado alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

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How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one-they don't like to share the spotlight.

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There once was a girl from Darjeeling, Who could dance with exquisite feeling, There wasn't a sound For miles around, Except fly buttons hitting the ceiling!

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Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

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A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender smiles and says "Hey, ya know we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper stops and says "Really? You have a drink called Steve?"

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What's the difference between a jailer and a jeweler? One sells watches, one watches cells!

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Two golfers were discussing a bill that Harry, the hospital administrator, had sent to Bill, a recent father."Harry, this is too much for the use of the delivery room. You know I didn't get my wife there in time and the baby was born on the hospital's front lawn."Harry took the bill, crossed out the offending entry and substituted another. "Greens Fee," it read.

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I came out of a convenience store the other day and some seedy looking guy walks up to me and holds up a little sign: "DEAF & DUMB... Can you spare $10?" Wow! What happened to a dollar or 2? So I reached into my pocket for my wallet, opened it, took out a folded piece of paper and handed it to him. It said: "I CAN'T READ" and I walked away.

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Man: How many asian people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Asian Man: Whats a lightbulb?

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

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How do you get a mouse to smile? Say Cheese!

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An American and North Korean are bragging about their countries.The American says "In my country, our technology is so good that we know who will win an election two hours before the polls close!"The North Korean doesn't blink and says "Well in my country we know who will win two years before the polls close."

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Good friends are the ones who will bail you out of jail. But... TRUE friends are the ones who wil be sitting next to you in prison and say, "You know, we sure messed up there, buddy!"

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Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ---- You should have hit ''n!''

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What did the horse say when he fell? “I've fallen and I can't giddy up!”

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A calendar – something that goes in one year and out the other.

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The gangster's last words – "Who put that violin in my violin case?"

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