Every joke I've kept

Ok. I honestly saw this on a billboard: Illiterate? Call this number to learn how to read.

— public joke corpus

While on a game show, Justins had to identify a number of sounds. When she heard this: *laughter then plop, plop, plop* she identified it correctly right away. What did she say? An audience laughing it's head off

— public joke corpus

What's the difference between an alchoholic & a drug addict? The alchoholic drives over the stop sign, while the drug addict waits for it to turn green.

— public joke corpus

What's the Swedish word for divorce and swearing? Ikea.

— public joke corpus

What is the fastest way to double your money? By folding it in half

— public joke corpus

The bumper sticker of a proud parent read: MY SON WAS INMATE OF THE MONTH

— public joke corpus

Borrow money from a pessimist---They don't expect it back.

— public joke corpus

Knock knock. Who's there? Granny. Granny who? Knock knock. Who's there? Granny. Granny who? Knock knock. Who's there? Granny. Granny who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunt. Aunt who? Aren't you glad you got rid of all those grannies?

— public joke corpus

What did the light bulb say to the socket?I love you watts!!

— public joke corpus

A man was having a serious surgical operation. When he woke up, he asked his doctor, "Did it go well?" "It went perfectly." "Then why do I have this headache?" "Oh, that. Halfway through the operation, we ran out of anesthetic."

— public joke corpus

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

— public joke corpus

I wanted to learn how to make ice cream, so I started attending sundae school.

— public joke corpus

Why did the boy buy a new bum? Coz his had a crack in it.

— public joke corpus

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

— public joke corpus

How do you praise a computer? Say "Data Boy"!

— public joke corpus

A good friend will say: "I love you!" (In a sarcastic tone) A best friend will say: "I love you, you f***in' b****!"

— public joke corpus

If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?

— public joke corpus

What happens to a scone when you have eaten it? It's scone.

— public joke corpus

Knock, knock! Who's there? Delores. Delores who? Delores my shepherd...

— public joke corpus

Now I lay me down to sleep With the boy across the street Won't my mommy be surprised When my tummy starts to rise Won't my daddy be disgusted When he finds my cherry's busted.

— public joke corpus