Every joke I've kept

what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks? a labracadabrador

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Why don't skeletons ever play music at church? Because they don't have any organs!

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What do you call a girl between two posts? Annette.

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It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early sir", replied the defendant. "Well that's not an crime", said the judge! "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened", answered the prisoner.

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What’s E.T. short for? He’s only got little legs.

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Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

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Q: What did one chart say to the other? A: "My! You're awfully graphic!"

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Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

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"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

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Golfer: Notice any improvement since last year?Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn't you?Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf.Caddy: Oh, he's played with you, too, huh?Golfer: "Caddy, why didn't you see where that ball went?"Caddy: "Well, it doesn't usually go anywhere, Mrs. Smith. You caught me off-guard."

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The Romans had to give up their big holidays because of the tremendous overhead. The lions ate up all of their prophets.

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Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home.

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Another Chicken Joke that Doesn't Involve Crossing the Road

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit? An egg!

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Signs That You've Been Out Of College Too Long

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My survey which I conducted said that 8 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.

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"Have you ever had a tick before?" asked Mel. "No, I've only ever had crosses," replied Sally.

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A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

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How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb? Into what?

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A man was watching television when there was a knock on the door. He answered it, but only a snail was there. So he picked it up and threw it into the street. Two years later, the man heard another knock on the door. He opened the door and it was the snail again. The snail says, "What was that all about?"

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Why Are Scissors Such Good Dancers?

Q: Why are scissors such good dancers? A: Because of their sharp moves.

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