Every joke I've kept

Hackers brought down my online business but I managed to keep the website address and that's domain thing.

— onelinefun.com

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

— onelinefun.com

With my luck I'll probably be reincarnated as me.

— onelinefun.com

I could be a morning person. If morning started around noon.

— onelinefun.com

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."

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One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my salad?"

— onelinefun.com

I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

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I wonder why there are locks on the doors of Seven-Eleven when it says they are open 24/7.

— onelinefun.com

Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake.

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You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken.

— onelinefun.com

If I wanted to get trapped in a scary maze, I'd just go into my kid's bedroom.

— onelinefun.com

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."

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Cashier: "How would you like to pay for this." Me: "Not at all."

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Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn't jump at all.

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Every time I tell a punny cow joke, I butcher it.

— onelinefun.com

Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

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I may not be the brightest nail in the bucket, but at least I have a point.

— onelinefun.com

Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!

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If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

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I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

— onelinefun.com