Every joke I've kept

Bob: How do you keep a turkey in suspense? Willie: I dunno. Bob: I'll tell you later...

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How many exciting people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they are VERY excited, one of them cracks the lightbulb and another throws the screw at their neighbor's house.

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A man went to a psychiatrist and explained his problem. "Two weeks ago I had a dream that I was a tippee. Then, the next day, I dreamt I was a wigwam. In my next dream, I was a teepee again, and this has been happening the whole too weeks! What's wrong with me, Doc?". "It's simple. You're just two tents".

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One night, after a long hard day at work a politician went home. It was fairly late, around 10:00 p.m.All of the sudden, a masked man jumped out of the bushes and demanded all the politician's money."You can't do that!!" The politician cried. "I'm a politician!""Oh," said the masked man, "in that case give me all MY money!!"

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I was talking to my sister's boyfriend one day and I asked him if prettyful was a word. He said, "Well, I use it a lot. Whenever I've just eaten and someone asks me if I'm hungry, I say 'I'm pretty full."

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In the USA they go ice skating. In Canada we go skating; we just assume it will be on ice!

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I saw a nice stereo on Craigslist for $1. Seller says the volume is stuck on ‘high’ I couldn’t turn it down.

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Q:Why can peter pan fly? A:Because if you got hit in the peter with a pan you'd fly too.

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Knock-knock Who's there? Kook Kook who? Hey, who you calling cukoo mister?

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Everyone seems normal until you get to know them

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What kind of trouble does a five foot man have??? Five feet!!!

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Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

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Ways To Annoy People On The Subway Stand in front of the doorway and glare at people when they try to get by. Constantly ask people for directions. Don't take a shower for a month. Tell the people your problems. They really want to know.

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Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000

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There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.

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A three-legged poodle walked into a bar in the Wild West and said "Hey, I'm lookin for the guy who shot my paw!"

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My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

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What do you call corn that joins the army? Kernel.

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Did You Get the Tickets?

Bob: Did you get the tickets? Fred: What tickets? Bob: To the Gun Show! Well, let's see now, I think they're both pretty good, but...this one has it!

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Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

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