Every joke I've kept

What starts with an E, ends with an E and usually contains only one letter? ENVELOPE!

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Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

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Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection.

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How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.

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From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain. "I have no idea... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts like that."

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Friend 1:"Yeh,you are looking too fat." Friend 2:"You are looking too old." Friend 1:"I am not old." Friend 2:"Then, I am not too fat."

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Someone dropped $50. Who do you think will pick it up? A.) An honest politician B.) A five year old child C.) Santa Claus B.) A 5 year old child, all the others aren't real.

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What's Wrong With that Guy?

"What's wrong with you?" you asked a very dumb guy that was taking your order at the newest resturant in town. "The doctor doesn't know yet, hehe (snort)."

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Dear God, So far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped. I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent.I am very thankful for that.But, in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed; and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot more help.Amen

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You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes.

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What kind of soup weighs 1000 pounds? Won ton soup!

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How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

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Librarian: "Please be quiet. The people next to you can't read." Boy: "What a shame! I've been reading since I was six."

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How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.

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Don't follow in my footsteps, I walk into walls.

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Award season

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

Geometry

Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

I told my bike it was two-tired. It couldn't stand up for itself.

Off by one

There are two hard problems in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.