Every joke I've kept

Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.

— onelinefun.com

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser.

— onelinefun.com

Never hypothetically ask yourself if the person in front of you can go any slower, because the answer is yes.

— onelinefun.com

What is a ram's favorite song on February 14th? I only have eyes for ewe, dear

— onelinefun.com

Like a flat tire.......how I'm rolling this morning.

— onelinefun.com

I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.

— onelinefun.com

I changed my password everywhere to "incorrect". That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, "Your password is incorrect".

— onelinefun.com

My calling in life went straight to voicemail.

— onelinefun.com

Now that I'm older, I realize that my imaginary friend was really nothing more than an imaginary acquaintance.

— onelinefun.com

Why is a doctor always calm? Because it has a lot of patients.

— onelinefun.com

Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said "I don't know about you but I can smell carrots!"

— onelinefun.com

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

— onelinefun.com

I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.

— onelinefun.com

"Could you take a couple steps back. I have a nut allergy."

— onelinefun.com

What did one autumn leaf say to another? I'm falling for you.

— onelinefun.com

Where do sick boats go to get healthy? To the dock!

— onelinefun.com

When people don't make sense, listen to music. It always does.

— onelinefun.com

What does a baby computer call its father? Data.

— onelinefun.com

Scientists proved that cows don't give us meat and milk. We just take it from them!

— onelinefun.com

Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass.

— onelinefun.com