Every joke I've kept

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

— onelinefun.com

I put a new freezer next to the refrigerator, now they're just chilling.

— onelinefun.com

What did one pencil say to the other pencil? You're looking sharp!

— onelinefun.com

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

— onelinefun.com

Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? "Rude"olph

— onelinefun.com

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

— onelinefun.com

Laziness Level: I get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries

— onelinefun.com

The truth is out there; it just hasn't been indexed well.

— onelinefun.com

If they don't call the next Fast & Furious film "Fast10 Your Seatbelts" I'm going to be furious.

— onelinefun.com

If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

— onelinefun.com

You never have to worry about love at first sight if you steadfastly keep looking at your phone.

— onelinefun.com

What fruit do you eat when you are sad? Blueberries.

— onelinefun.com

When I play rock, paper, scissors, people think I always choose scissors. They're wrong. I'm actually flashing a peace sign. Stop the violence.

— onelinefun.com

I made voodoo dolls of my dogs just so I could still rub their bellies while I'm at work.

— onelinefun.com

I want to go to IKEA, hide in a wardrobe, wait for someone to open it and yell "WELCOME TO NARNIA".

— onelinefun.com

Before I buy a leaf blower I want to make sure I understand the rules. We just blow the leaves at each other's houses, right?

— onelinefun.com

I always wanted to learn to procrastinate... just never got around to it.

— onelinefun.com

To kick start my New Year: I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

— onelinefun.com

It's good to learn from other's mistakes, I wish people learn something from me.

— onelinefun.com

How did Ben Franklin feel about discovering electricity? He was shocked!

— onelinefun.com