Every joke I've kept

In accordance to the Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we may already be in love right now.

— onelinefun.com

I just got this sick job at the Calendar factory. Unfortunately, I still can't get a date.

— onelinefun.com

One bird can't make a pun. But toucan.

— onelinefun.com

Tennis would be way more exciting if they used dogs for ball boys.

— onelinefun.com

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

— onelinefun.com

Five days of the week, my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park!

— onelinefun.com

Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

— onelinefun.com

What has a head, a tail, and no body? A coin!

— onelinefun.com

This may sound arrogant but I think I could make a better Periodic Table.

— onelinefun.com

I spy with my little eye nothing because I only have two normal-sized eyes.

— onelinefun.com

What idiot called it a vet instead of a dogtor?

— onelinefun.com

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

— onelinefun.com

If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember...You can always change your birthday on facebook!

— onelinefun.com

I'm stuck somewhere between playing my cards right & not playing with a full deck.

— onelinefun.com

Why are Fathers like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!

— onelinefun.com

This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.

— onelinefun.com

Q: Did you hear about the man with a broken left arm and broken left leg? A: Don't worry he's "ALRIGHT" now!

— onelinefun.com

What race is never run? A swimming race.

— onelinefun.com

Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day? Because there are lots of fans.

— onelinefun.com

What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!

— onelinefun.com