Every joke I've kept

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.

— public joke corpus

Q. What did the father buffalo say to the son buffalo when he left for school? A. Bison!

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Patient: "My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?" Doctor: "A shoebox!"

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"Madame," said the psychiatrist, "you haven't got a complex; you ARE inferior."

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"What shall we play today?" Cori asked her best friend Judy. "Let's play 'school'!" said Judy. "Okay," said Cori, "But I'm going to be absent."

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I like hippos 'cause they're fat and don't care what other hippos think.

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Courtney: Let's see who can stay up the longest tonight. Kaitlyn: I know! We'll pinch each other every ten minutes to make sure we don't fall asleep! Starting right NOW! Courtney: Hey, I'm not even tired! Kaitlyn: See, my plan is working!

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Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the butcher

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The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food. "Here," he said to the waitress, holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?" "Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked.

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If 1/(x-8) approaches ∞ as x approaches 8 from above, then will 1/(x-3) approach ω as x approaches 3 from above?

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In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"

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"I wonder if my friend, Kent as submitted a joke about me saying how brave I am."

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1st Officer: "Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?" 2nd Officer: "Who?" 1st Officer: "Janet Jackson!" 2nd Officer: "What she do, was she speeding?" 1st Officer: "Nah, she had one headlight out."

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It is obvious. The downfall of the world is here. It is 2005 and we have lived on this earth for ages. I suppose it is about time for the end. Proof? You want proof? I have all the proof you will need: They let Brittney Spears reproduce. Ohh that poor poor child!!

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"You certainly look cool." "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself."

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Policeman: "When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself, `fifty-five at least.'" Woman driver: "Well, you are a long way off! It's this hat that makes me look so old!"

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One day, a man held a contest. The winner would be who could get the most ping pong balls in one day. The first man comes back with 100. The second man comes back with 110. The third man comes back with a whole ton of bruises. The men ask him why he didn't collect any ping pong balls and why he was bruised. He said, "Ping pong balls? I thought he said King Kong's balls!

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One day, a customer walked into a pet shop and told the clerk, "I need two small, gray mice and about five dozen roaches." Puzzled, the shop attendant asked the reason for this strange request. "Well, I'm moving out of my apartment and my lease told me that I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them."

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Dad: Courtney, do you want penne pasta for dinner? Courtney: No, but I'll have dime or quarter pasta.

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I think my smartphone is broken. I keep pressing the Home button, but I'm still working.

— public joke corpus