Every joke I've kept

If you weigh 99 pounds and eat 1 pound of nachos you will be 1% nachos!

— onelinefun.com

I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly...

— onelinefun.com

Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes but when I do have something in my eye it's always an eyelash. Eyeronic.

— onelinefun.com

Why was the tree excited about the future? It was ready to turn over a new leaf!

— onelinefun.com

I'm so introverted I won't even talk to myself.

— onelinefun.com

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

— onelinefun.com

Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.

— onelinefun.com

I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.

— onelinefun.com

The light at the end of the tunnel... might just be an incoming train.

— onelinefun.com

Pay no attention to the elephant in the room: it's ir-elephant.

— onelinefun.com

What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!

— onelinefun.com

Why was the baseball player a bad sport? He stole third base and then went home!

— onelinefun.com

Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.

— onelinefun.com

I was at a climbing center the other day, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall; honestly, you couldn't make it up.

— onelinefun.com

One time somebody said if I was an element, I'd be copper. Then someone else told me I'm tellurium. Does that mean I'm CuTe?

— onelinefun.com

Why are pigs so bad at soccer? They are always hogging the ball!

— onelinefun.com

People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.

— onelinefun.com

If a dog was a computer, would its bark be bigger than its byte?

— onelinefun.com

Teacher: "What is the value of Pi?" Student: "Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99."

— onelinefun.com

What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day? "I'm stuck on you!"

— onelinefun.com