Every joke I've kept

Sure, I may be slow, but I do lousy work.

— onelinefun.com

When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.

— onelinefun.com

Q: What did the Dorito say to the other Dorito. A: I can't tell you it was to cheesy.

— onelinefun.com

What do you call a mind reader who can't read minds? A telepathetic.

— onelinefun.com

Children are the leading cause of old age.

— onelinefun.com

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

— onelinefun.com

Sorry, I'm out of my mind at the moment, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

— onelinefun.com

Why did the broom get a poor grade in school? Because it was always sweeping during class!

— onelinefun.com

I hate reality. But where else can you get a good steak dinner?

— onelinefun.com

Why are badminton players so loud? Because they are always making a racket!

— onelinefun.com

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

— onelinefun.com

Where did the baseball keep its lemonade? In the pitcher!

— onelinefun.com

What did the pirate say when he found someone? I sea you!

— onelinefun.com

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

— onelinefun.com

Relationship status: Autocorrect changes my girl to my grill.

— onelinefun.com

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

— onelinefun.com

The four most beautiful words in our common language: "I told you so."

— onelinefun.com

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

— onelinefun.com

I've never been very good at geography. But I can name at least one city in France, which is Nice.

— onelinefun.com

Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.

— onelinefun.com