Every joke I've kept

What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? Someday my prints will come!

— onelinefun.com

What do single people call Valentine's Day? Happy Independence Day!

— onelinefun.com

I'm so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

— onelinefun.com

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

— onelinefun.com

A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

— onelinefun.com

Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

— onelinefun.com

I've been running as fast as I can, but I still can't catch my breath.

— onelinefun.com

Waitress: 'Do u have any questions about the menu?' Me: 'What kind of font is this?'

— onelinefun.com

How does a snowman get around? He rides an icicle!

— onelinefun.com

Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? No, but they had an Apple.

— onelinefun.com

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little animal you have to keep alive is yourself.

— onelinefun.com

I once dated a mime. I hope I left her with a good impression.

— onelinefun.com

What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium then you curium and you barium.

— onelinefun.com

Why did the turkey play drums in his band? Because he already had drumsticks!

— onelinefun.com

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

— onelinefun.com

Secret: Something which is told to one person at a time.

— onelinefun.com

What's the best thing to put into a pie? Your teeth!

— onelinefun.com

My five year plan? I don't even have a five minute plan.

— onelinefun.com

Why did the Easter egg hide? Because he was a little chicken!

— onelinefun.com

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Wait until it's born.

— onelinefun.com