Every joke I've kept

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!

— onelinefun.com

For Valentines Day I have been contemplating my current and past relationships. I organized the data and plotted it using an Ex-Axis and a Why-Axis.

— onelinefun.com

Hell hath no fury like a mother who sees her child using plates reserved only for guests.

— onelinefun.com

I am busy contemplating my future. Don't worry, this will only take a minute.

— onelinefun.com

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

— onelinefun.com

When plumbers sleep do they have pipe dreams?

— onelinefun.com

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

— onelinefun.com

I wanted to make a joke about criminals, but I was scared it would get stolen.

— onelinefun.com

What's the best place to shop for a soccer shirt? New Jersey!

— onelinefun.com

Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.

— onelinefun.com

I'm good at multitasking and procrastinating, which means right now there are at least 28 things that I'm putting off until later.

— onelinefun.com

Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.

— onelinefun.com

5-year plan? I haven't even planned this sentence volcano.

— onelinefun.com

What did the farmer say when his hay started blowing away? Hay, come back!

— onelinefun.com

I am now on three dating sites because you can never get enough rejection.

— onelinefun.com

I hate peer pressure and you should too.

— onelinefun.com

Brains are wonderful, I wish everyone had one.

— onelinefun.com

I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.

— onelinefun.com

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

— onelinefun.com

If everyone was like you the human race would lose faith in the world.

— onelinefun.com