I have won first place in this Halloween costume contest 16 years in a row. This year I am dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll.
— onelinefun.com
Every joke I've kept
Surf instead →allone-liners 4222misc 1013animal 458classic 417general 345puns 264children 219at-work 211light-bulbs 191sports 153food 126programming 121money 100knock-knock 91medical 76science 55math 48bar 41music 41tech 40college 26family-parents 18men 18blonde-jokes 15computers 10crazy-jokes 9heaven-and-hell 9business 7deep-thoughts 7military 6one-liner 6women 6holidays 5police-jokes 5bar-jokes 3food-jokes 3idiots 3blind-jokes 2dad 2ethnic-jokes 2farmers 2ocean 2office-jokes 2old-age 2school 2state-jokes 1
What did one candle say to the other? "Don't birthdays burn you up?"
— onelinefun.com
My family always celebrates Thanksgiving with a fast. The faster we eat, the more food we get.
— onelinefun.com
What is Dracula's favorite fruit? A nectarine.
— onelinefun.com
Doctor's office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
— onelinefun.com
I asked my friend a question while he was eating an orange, but all I got was a pithy response.
— onelinefun.com
I finally found a diet plan that works. It's called 'The Cost of Food'.
— onelinefun.com
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?
— onelinefun.com
If you win three games of Twister in a row you're automatically a yoga instructor.
— onelinefun.com
Apparently, saying "Wow, you've grown since I last saw you" isn't deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
— onelinefun.com
When decorating your tween daughter's room, don't forget to leave ample space for half the glasses in your kitchen.
— onelinefun.com
I'm starting to think cyber security is at the same level as mall security
— onelinefun.com
I mostly just scroll through Instagram as a reminder of what brands I said out loud yesterday.
— onelinefun.com
I want our relationship to be like a Nintendo DS cartridge. If we have any problems, take it out, blow on it, and put it back in.
— onelinefun.com
If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.
— onelinefun.com
I was going to share a vegetable joke but it's corny.
— onelinefun.com
How did the chemist who failed the temperature test get? Absolute zero.
— onelinefun.com
Why do soccer players do so well in math? They know how to use their heads!
— onelinefun.com
When a twitter troll disappears it just means his mom changed the wifi password until his chores are done.
— onelinefun.com
What did the Valentine's Day card say to the stamp? Stick with me and you'll go places.
— onelinefun.com