Every joke I've kept

Where do you learn to make banana splits? At sundae school.

— public joke corpus

If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you when you're in there? European

— public joke corpus

Have you heard of the band 1023MB? They haven't got a gig yet.

— public joke corpus

A boy comes home from school saying, "3rd grade math has way bigger numbers than 2nd grade!" His dad replies, "Don't worry, when you start getting a paycheck they get smaller again."

— public joke corpus

Two young cowboys - aged six and four - walked into the pretend bar for a drink. The older cowboy thumped his fist on the pretend bar and said to the pretend bartender, "Bartender, gimme a rye whiskey!" The younger cowboy was not to be outdone. "Yeah, and make mine a whole wheat!"

— public joke corpus

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old lawyers gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape."It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us.""I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!" the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke in!"

— public joke corpus

Q: How many newfies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 2 one to hold the light bulb and 1 to spin him round and round.

— public joke corpus

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

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One day a boy said to his mom, "I'm a Picses, what are you?" The the mom answered, "Cancer." The boy then asked in a shocked state, "You killed Grandma?"

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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They like to keep their clients in the dark!

— public joke corpus

Can you decipher this phrase? HOT HOT HANDLE HANDLE Too hot to handle!

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An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?" "How would you feel," the astronout replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"

— public joke corpus

On clothes: do not iron while wearing. On a baby carriage: do not fold while in use.

— public joke corpus

Joel: "How's the progress on new house that you are building Pete?" Peter: "Things are really slow at the moment." Joel: "Yeah, I guess all this rain would be putting a dampener on things..."

— public joke corpus

A three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left was on the right and the right was on the left. She said, "Paul, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her and said, "No they're not, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."

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Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a sh*tload of light bulbs!

— public joke corpus

If at first you don't succeed...work for Microsoft.

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Dad to his family: The phone bill is exceptionally high. You have to limit its use. I don't use this telephone. I use the one a the office. Mum: Same here, I hardly use this phone as I use my work telephone. Son: Me too, I never use the home telephone. I always use my company mobile. Maid: So what's the problem? We all use our work telephones!

— public joke corpus

We invite grandparents to a special day at our school, culminating in a photo op with grandparent and grandchild posing in front of a colorful display from a history class. Only after the last shot was snapped did we notice what appeared above each grandparent's head: a banner screaming, "Discover the Ancient World."

— public joke corpus

In a classroom, the teacher tell the pupils that peanuts make your smarter. Then a pupil said: "Are you nuts?"

— public joke corpus