Every joke I've kept

Toc Toc! Qui est là ? Sheila. Sheila qui? Sheila lutte finale...

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What starts with B, has 2 E's, and ends in R???? Birthday Cheer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast."You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone."What took you so long to answer?""I was in bed.""What were you doing in bed this late?""Getting a second opinion."

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Dear son, Good luck with your exams tomorrow. I always think that it's best to stay up partying all of the night before an exam. Exam rooms are always a good place to catch up on sleep, because they're silent, and there's nothing to do in them anyway. Love, Dad

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George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart: "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail."

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What do elves post on Social Media? Elf-ies.

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A kid said to his Dad, "In school I learned Pluto is in outerspace. But they didn't say where Mickey is."

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A boy go to a girls house and notice her home is very messy and full of paper and clay pot and clothing all over. The boy tell her he bring some pot to her and she answer there is clay pot all over home.

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Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

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What is more peculiar than watching a catfish? Watching a goldfish bowl.

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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut? The baa-baa shop.

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A teacher is writing a problem on the blackboard when she turns around and says, "If you are stupid, please stand up." After a while, a student stands up and says,"I really don't think I'm stupid, but I feel bad for you standing there by yourself."

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How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. With all the technology that they have, its a wonder that they still use lightbulbs.

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Who Scares Humans the Most?

A bear, a lion and a chicken were having a discussion as to which one of them scares humans the most. "I only have to growl," said the bear, "and people start to get a bit nervous." The lion said, "I just have to roar and people run away." "That's nothing," replied the chicken. "I only have to sneeze and the whole world panics."

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What is this movie about? It is about 2 hours long.

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Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. .... with Beer

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Make love, not war. Hell, do both GET MARRIED!

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An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

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