Every joke I've kept

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left him!

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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I saw on the news a little boy being carried up to the sky. I got scared cause I thought Michael Jackson was ordering take-out from Heaven.

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Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat

Can You Decipher This Phrase? cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat Catch 22! (22 cats).

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"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition," the doctor told his patient. "We're going to put you in an isolation unit, where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza." "Will pancakes and pizza cure my condition?" "No," replied the doctor. "They're the only things we can slip under the door."

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A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his forehead and says "Bartender give me a scotch on the rocks." The bartender returns with the drink, and being kind of curious about the pair, asks: "If you don't mind my asking, how'd you end up with that thing on you?" Immediately the frog replies, "I don't know, it started out as a wart on my ass!".

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Why did the developer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays.

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How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb? The whole team - and they each get a semester scholarship for it.

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How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb? Only one - but he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.

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My arm started to hurt me so I asked a doctor to examine it. She looked at my arm and brought out a medical book and studies it for about 10 minutes. Then she said to me, "Have you ever had that pain before?"I nodded yes. "Well, you've got it again. "

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Why isn't there a tax on stuff I DON'T like?

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A duck hunter, proud of his markmanship, took his son out one morning to witness his skill. After some time a lone duck flew by. "Watch this," whispered the dad, as he took aim and carefully fired. The duck flew serenely on. "My boy," said the hunter, "you are witnessing a great miracle. There flies a dead duck. "

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Hey, wanna hear a joke? Parsing HTML with regex.

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Who did the wizard marry? His ghoul-friend

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Why did the house go to the doctor? It was having window panes.

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Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

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"Excuse me, is this tuna dolphin-friendly?" "Dolphin-friendly? He was only best man at Flipper's wedding!"

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How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

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What is the noisiest part of a tree? Its bark.

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1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die from natural causes. 2. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

— public joke corpus