Every joke I've kept

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!

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I was watching my friend instant message. She was talking to a kid that she knew. The kid had lost his hat. I suggested, rather foolishly, to look in his nose. (As a joke, of course) My friend typed this. He then wrote (without seeing the message that my friend wrote) I'm going to look there on Monday.

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A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say, "How to Build a Boat". - Steven Wright.

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Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.

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A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

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Five year old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

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Can You Decipher This Phrase? B SAI Bonsai! B (on) SAI.

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A guy came home to his wife and said to her:"Guess what?I've found a great job. A 10am start, 2pm finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week in the hand to boot!""That's great," his wife said."Yeah, it's unreal," he agreed."You start Monday."

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Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now! Follow this simple procedure:

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A girl's legs are her best friends, but the best of friends must part. -- Redd Foxx

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Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat', 'deduct', 'defence' and 'detail'. Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply. "Defeat of Deduct went over defence before detail!"

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You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same stuff?

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Please properly capitalize the title of the joke and each sentence within the joke. Proper names should also be capitalized.

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A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t.

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How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but it takes a certified electrician to make it work.

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Justin: If you give me a quarter, I'll give you everything in my lunch box. Zach: That depends... what's in your lunchbox? Justin: Nothing!

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On a trip to see Santa, little Johnny climbed into St. Nick's lap and shared his wish list. Later that day, in another store, there was Santa again! "And what would you like for Christmas?" he asked little Johnny. Shaking his head, Johnny sighed, "You really need to write these things down."

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Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

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Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?A: He thought it was a delivery service.

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Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.

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