Every joke I've kept

Q. What animal talks the most? A. The yak.

— public joke corpus

Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off." "I know the feeling," the other says. "No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me."

— public joke corpus

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

— public joke corpus

Veronica: Nurse, I am losing my hair! Nurse: Okay, what size paper bag do you need?

— public joke corpus

Little Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet. "Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?" Johnny says, "Yeah!"

— public joke corpus

Why don't programmers like nature? Too many bugs.

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A guy goes to work and kills everyone...what is this called...? Going Postal...

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How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb? One I hope.

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Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.

— public joke corpus

Why do you never hear father-in-law jokes?

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How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 50... 1 to hold the lightbulb, and 49 to drink 'till the room spins!

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Two friends were out shooting birds. A bird flew from behind a tree and quick as a flash one man shot it. It uttered a squawk, folded its wings and fell to the ground. The other man turned to him and said: " You didn't need to shoot that bird. The fall would have killed it."

— public joke corpus

Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.

— public joke corpus

One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE." It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him. When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE." The policeman arrested her on the spot.

— public joke corpus

What is a cat's favourite exercise? Puss-Ups!

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Mr. Smith: "So, Mr. Jones, how's your son John?" Mr. Jones: "He's at Harvard right now." Mr. Smith: "Oh, really?! Well, congratulations! What's he studying?" Mr. Jones: "Oh, he's not studying anything. They're studying him."

— public joke corpus

Q. What are the two main political parties in Canada? A. Moose and Squirrel

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"My wife dresses to kill.She cooks the same way." ...Henny Youngman "My wife and I were happy for twenty years.Then we met." ...Rodney Dangerfield "I was married by a judge.I should have asked for a jury." ...George Burns

— public joke corpus

How do the chinese get their names? Their parents kick a can down the street... ching chang chung bing....

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Little Willy, full of hell, Threw his sister in the well. Their mother said when drawing water, "It's so hard to raise a daughter."

— public joke corpus